To Whom It May Concern:
This my one and only note about this situation. In the past I may have drawn it out over weeks and weeks of writing, but I think I can fit the important parts in to a single page. And if you are going to express the opinion that you shouldn’t put these things out there for everyone to read, then I ask you to respect my decision and stop reading right now.
When the going gets way too hard to handle, my first instinct is to disappear. So here I was, broken down, cheated, and lied to, ready to disappear. I am the kind of person that hates to let go, but I admit I should have long ago. When you see someone being abused and manipulated you always wonder why they don’t reach out for help, and you find out that when you are the victim it is not always that easy. The person you are holding on to becomes this necessity for life, necessity for being who you are. You lose the individuality and become entirely dependent.
So why didn’t I reach out sooner? Fear. I would say love, a mixture of love, but mostly fear. I was afraid to lose what I cared most about, and that was a singularity, a single person, a single relationship that I held above all else. If I was to ever reach out to someone else I was warned that we would be over, if I talked to certain people about anything at all, even just to say hello it would be over, it was extremely disrespectful in hindsight, but I gave in because I didn’t want to lose her.
So I gave up old friends, burned my own words, deleted any hint of a past (Although it took me a long while to do so), all for the promise that this would be it. No matter how much I learn, I never learn to listen to logic in a relationship. At one point I was hanging out with my friends too much, at one point I wasn’t paying attention enough, at one point I was called a lazy, fat, slob who doesn’t care about his life. Not to mention stupid, idiotic, and I deserve any pain that comes to me. When you look someone in the eyes and match them up with the lips they are coming from, it really does a number to the psyche.
Which is why, after all this change and making myself a better person I didn’t understand how yet again I could be cheated over by a best friend. You see, there were plenty of times where she was ready to break up, but silly me convinced her to hold on to it. That was my first mistake. I could see the old manipulative me coming back again, a stubborn mess that was tainted by actions of the past. I should have stopped it then. But, I didn’t. All the way up until one night when I caught something I shouldn’t have. And then I asked myself, what did I do to deserve this?
I stayed. That’s what I did. And I continued to stay. Even after we broke up, I stayed and I stayed and I stayed for far too long. I tried to make her see that I was the right choice, that I was the good one and that I could be different. There is not a better way to push someone away. I should have won her over organically instead of pushing and pushing. And so I kept on with the negative aura, all the way up until one night when it reached a culmination of hate and craziness that caused me to cause fear to not only her, but her family, myself, and my family, plus friends and everyone else that got sucked in to this black hole.
And so I apologize for becoming a monster. I never should have let it get to that point. It was a path of mutual destruction that we could have stopped, that we could have changed, but we didn’t. I shouldn’t have let it happen. She shouldn’t have let it happen either though, never cross in to the feelings for a best friend of your boyfriend’s territory, because then we end up where we are, a shattered mess. They say if you love something you should let it go, but then someone I had come to respect told me that he thinks that is a load of bull. That I should try and keep going.
Funny thing when you hear that same person never liked you. I guess we all have our different sides when others are around.
But I digress and get in to a multitude of tangents. Here is the blunt point that has to be faced.
- I can’t just run away from everyone, it’s much too selfish.
- I have developed an immense amount of trust issues that I need to address.
- I’m sorry for the actions I took.
- I feel I am at fault for bringing out her negative side.
- At one point we had a good thing going, but we are really good at making it seem like things are amazing and okay.
- I’m going to try to reconnect with the people I abandoned.
- I appreciate the relationship we had up until we saw each other’s crazy side.
- The healing is going to take time and I am most likely going to slip constantly.
- Through all the toughness I really thought we could work it out, and that somewhere inside each of us there is still some good left.
- I lost a best friend.
- I still love her no matter what she put me through or what I put her through.
- I appreciate everything she ever did for me.
- I’m sorry.