1. 1 year ago 

   21 huh?

   21 is a huge number to the many, it’s a perfect combination of cards in a popular betting game, it is the century in which we live in, the number of spots on a six-sided die, the title of at least four different movies, but most importantly it is to most people a coming of age. The doors are unlocked to a whole spectrum of the night, colors once not allowed to be seen. It is the key to legal fun, the light at the end of the tunnel. Salvation and serendipity all wrapped in to one. Now this is all good and happy, but what is it to me?

   Well of course with all this new found freedom I can see it as a transition in to being an adult. I can now drink freely and legally, that is a fact. Now I never really did it illegally so it is in my mind a fairly big deal. I don’t really feel bad about it, I wouldn’t feel guilty, and as my mom would say it is the principle of the thing. It was all about holding on to something, holding on to a belief, being chained to a trauma I put so much fear in to.

   Fear and pride. Prideful of the boasting of never doing something, of holding on to it for such a long time. Knowing that I have said never, that certain people will revel in it if I did slip, while others wouldn’t really care. It is a normality. It is a simplicity. I think it became an act of control, of defiance, definitely. I never liked letting go of control in my life, I never liked feeling like something wasn’t my decision, and the only person I would really give in for was Amber. But love is a different story.

   This tale however has another conflicting point. I am one that professes going for things, for trying everything at least once, giving things a shot and just going for it. So it battles with my unwillingness to drink, my unwillingness to try everything at least once. So I am in somewhat of a bind but I think I really already made my decision. To the outside source this might seem like a trivial matter, but we all have our things that we hold deep to us, that nobody else could really fully understand.

   Understanding responsibility. That is another thing I really haven’t had a grasp on in the past. Taking responsibility, being accountable for my dumb actions. Yet that too conflicts with my “Just Fucking Go For It” persona. I know I was never fully that guy, and it is who I always wanted to be. It was my desired self. So here is where I say I will push myself a little farther, I will put myself out there more, I will become more open then I already am, for myself, for the thrills of life. Just short of being a Yes Man. But I will still hold on to my conviction and hold on to my control.

   So what does it mean to be 21 to me? I guess it just means I have the ability to choose. What is the greatest gift you could really give anyone? Choice. 

2. Notes: 1 / 1 year ago 

   Fight or Flight

   Here I am at a time, a crossroads, a serious point where I have to choose to honestly just say fuck it and move on because the final straw was broken, or I can go the untouched path of persistence. 

   I’ll be honest. I don’t feel like giving up. I never did. Let me tell you what the final straw exactly was. No, I can’t, but I can admit it was a huge mistake on my part. It has put me in a place where I am now past a threshold that there may be no going back from. Every other time when it was said that there was “no chance left” there was always at least an inkling of a chance. After this, there may be a complete honesty in those words. But I am just looking for someone, for anyone to tell me that anything can change at any moment. 

   I’m someone that will throw the honest truth on someone and say fuck it, that’s it. Yeah, I was a jerk, and I am beyond forgiveness for all those people as well. But damnit, everyone will tell me it is time to move on, that there are more people out there, that you should play the field and forget about it, that when a woman’s mind is made up there is no going back. 

   But I would be lying to myself. I was always taught to never say that “I can’t,” but in this situation, let me be rash and say, I can’t. My heart is solely invested in this and anyone I’ve ever talked to would know that. She brought out the best in me, and I would like to think I taught her a few things as well. We had our highs and our lows, but we always made it through. 

   I’m really fishing here. Keep telling me to give up, but, I’m looking for something to tell me to keep it up, to keep going, but as I write this maybe I realize I don’t need anyone to tell me that. How do you know when a person is the one? Well. If it’s this feeling that every other girl before this one meant nothing at all in comparison, then damnit this is the one. I can’t really ignore it, or fake it anymore. I love you Amber, and that’s it.

3. Notes: 64324 / 1 year ago  from onetwothuy-deactivated20121125 (originally from magicandwonder)
   

   “An invisible red thread connects those who are destined to meet, regardless of time, place, or circumstance. The thread may stretch or tangle, but it will never break.”
   —An ancient Chinese belief

   Love

    
4. Notes: 72172 / 1 year ago  from -lovela (originally from certifiedtragedies)
   
    
5. Notes: 3 / 1 year ago 

   The One Thing I Can Always Turn To

   To Whom It May Concern:

   This my one and only note about this situation. In the past I may have drawn it out over weeks and weeks of writing, but I think I can fit the important parts in to a single page. And if you are going to express the opinion that you shouldn’t put these things out there for everyone to read, then I ask you to respect my decision and stop reading right now.

   When the going gets way too hard to handle, my first instinct is to disappear. So here I was, broken down, cheated, and lied to, ready to disappear. I am the kind of person that hates to let go, but I admit I should have long ago. When you see someone being abused and manipulated you always wonder why they don’t reach out for help, and you find out that when you are the victim it is not always that easy. The person you are holding on to becomes this necessity for life, necessity for being who you are. You lose the individuality and become entirely dependent. 

   So why didn’t I reach out sooner? Fear. I would say love, a mixture of love, but mostly fear. I was afraid to lose what I cared most about, and that was a singularity, a single person, a single relationship that I held above all else. If I was to ever reach out to someone else I was warned that we would be over, if I talked to certain people about anything at all, even just to say hello it would be over, it was extremely disrespectful in hindsight, but I gave in because I didn’t want to lose her.

   So I gave up old friends, burned my own words, deleted any hint of a past (Although it took me a long while to do so), all for the promise that this would be it. No matter how much I learn, I never learn to listen to logic in a relationship. At one point I was hanging out with my friends too much, at one point I wasn’t paying attention enough, at one point I was called a lazy, fat, slob who doesn’t care about his life. Not to mention stupid, idiotic, and I deserve any pain that comes to me. When you look someone in the eyes and match them up with the lips they are coming from, it really does a number to the psyche. 

   Which is why, after all this change and making myself a better person I didn’t understand how yet again I could be cheated over by a best friend. You see, there were plenty of times where she was ready to break up, but silly me convinced her to hold on to it. That was my first mistake. I could see the old manipulative me coming back again, a stubborn mess that was tainted by actions of the past. I should have stopped it then. But, I didn’t. All the way up until one night when I caught something I shouldn’t have. And then I asked myself, what did I do to deserve this?

   I stayed. That’s what I did. And I continued to stay. Even after we broke up, I stayed and I stayed and I stayed for far too long. I tried to make her see that I was the right choice, that I was the good one and that I could be different. There is not a better way to push someone away. I should have won her over organically instead of pushing and pushing. And so I kept on with the negative aura, all the way up until one night when it reached a culmination of hate and craziness that caused me to cause fear to not only her, but her family, myself, and my family, plus friends and everyone else that got sucked in to this black hole.

   And so I apologize for becoming a monster. I never should have let it get to that point. It was a path of mutual destruction that we could have stopped, that we could have changed, but we didn’t. I shouldn’t have let it happen. She shouldn’t have let it happen either though, never cross in to the feelings for a best friend of your boyfriend’s territory, because then we end up where we are, a shattered mess. They say if you love something you should let it go, but then someone I had come to respect told me that he thinks that is a load of bull. That I should try and keep going.

   Funny thing when you hear that same person never liked you. I guess we all have our different sides when others are around.

   But I digress and get in to a multitude of tangents. Here is the blunt point that has to be faced.

   • I can’t just run away from everyone, it’s much too selfish.
   • I have developed an immense amount of trust issues that I need to address.
   • I’m sorry for the actions I took.
   • I feel I am at fault for bringing out her negative side.
   • At one point we had a good thing going, but we are really good at making it seem like things are amazing and okay.
   • I’m going to try to reconnect with the people I abandoned.
   • I appreciate the relationship we had up until we saw each other’s crazy side.
   • The healing is going to take time and I am most likely going to slip constantly.
   • Through all the toughness I really thought we could work it out, and that somewhere inside each of us there is still some good left.
   • I lost a best friend.
   • I still love her no matter what she put me through or what I put her through.
   • I appreciate everything she ever did for me.
   • I’m sorry.

   Sincerely,
   Aaron Samudio 

6. Notes: 1 / 1 year ago 

   Find it in Ourself

   To make the miracles happen.

7. 1 year ago 

   Brick by Brick

   Sometimes a wrecking ball comes in and just fucks up your shit. It takes the shell you’ve built up and breaks it in to tiny little pieces. The parts are not vaporized however, and the cleaning crew can go in and sweep away the negative. Thus they put it in to a tiny little dust pan and dispose of it in to the abyss. Careful not to put any of the materials in to recycling however.

   So with the rest, with the leftover goodness, you begin to rebuild. You order new parts, hope for quick shipping, and start it up. As you rebuild you see that the magnificence was worth the destruction and thank the anomaly that was the atomic bomb in the first place.

   I draw from inspiration from the strangers I meet along the way. I draw from the ultimatums, from the advice, from the mirror. I heed the call and make progress, here and there. We slide down, we jump in, we start to do, and stop the thought process. We suspend rules for the time being and enter in to a dance of destruction. Fun rises from the ashes, and the smoke calls forth more participants. Its a cycle, we try hard to inspire for we were the ones to be inspired. We try to give back what we get, hopefully 10 fold. 

   And so I continue, I move forward, one step at a time, praying to God I don’t trip and fall. The building is under construction, and yet the blue prints look amazing. No more delays please, continue on to the second phase. We’ve demolished, broken the ground, and put the foundation. Now comes the support beams, the interior, the exterior, the body. Let is be built, at let it shine. Watch. 

8. 2 years ago 

   Left Behind.

   Before it goes away again, before I leave just to come back, before I even stop to wallow any longer, I’d rather turn here, turn around, look down, take a page, write it now. It’s tough, it always affects me to see the treasures I hold turn in to moths, beckoning towards the fire, no, beckoning towards the sun. Yes. That is the beast I face, an infinite source that can never seem to die out no matter how much I wish it did. I, alone, stand on the edge, looking down at the lost that always come back again.

   It’s a night, a dark night, only one night, where things turn ugly, where the clock strikes twelve, where instead of royalty they turn to stupidity, where the poison seeps through and they are taken away, and then when the sun comes up it turns to normality. But is it really all back to normal? Sure, with the ones I hold close, it has before. But in essence I do not know how long I can hold on. I figure the rarity, a Rare 8, an occasion insanely rare at this point comes down in Rank, 7, 6, 5, 4 3 2-1. BOOM! Explosion. Atom bomb, I don’t know where it came from but I expected it. Dammit, trauma, fear, loneliness. Yes, loneliness, to know you stand alone, to know that you can’t do anything, to know that they’re not different, yes, that is what I fear. That is what I hate. Pure hate? No. Yes. Maybe. No. Good God I don’t know.

   You face your demons head on. But why. Why do I have to stand here, with a cold hand, with a chill running up my spine, watching a spectacle, no, a run down show, a shell for the night. I didn’t buy a ticket to this but I did read the fine print. Possibilities, inevitabilities, it sucks, it always has, and thats all it is. They keep flying, they keep transforming, metamorphosis. Maybe they will all change while I stay the same. Maybe that’s the answer to the riddle I’ve been seeking the solution for. The soul, it screams. Nobody hears it. “Tough shit. Tough Luck. Don’t care. Don’t come. You will. I WILL.” Rapture, rupture, the blood trickles down the seems, a bloated shell, punctured, pouring out, waiting for the right moment to flood over. 

   I wish. I only wish. I had those people to enjoy it with differently. I wish it was different. I wish we were. All the way up until then, all the way up until now, it looked so good, it looked so healthy, and yet it will all change in a flash, and perhaps I’ll just be left behind.

9. 2 years ago 

   Turning to the World I Know

   I ask the universe to heed the call of an emotional wreck. Come down and intervene in the words of a scarred poet. The introspective voice used to be strong in this shell, and yet at one point I gave it up. Lost, it leaked out, it spread out, it burned out, and thus turned to dust, flowing around the great wide nowhere. I can get it back. You can get anything back if you work hard enough. The voice is no different. The diamonds are not foreign. Aliens don’t exist.

   With that being said, here comes to mind the soul of a heart. There comes a time when you have to look inward and ask yourself was it all worth it? You have to ask yourself if every time you said you were going to do something if it was completely honest, or was it just a ploy to derail the thoughts in the brilliant mind. Desire overcomes, right then and there the action that needs to be done is apparent, and yet it escapes the hands just a few days later. It is a malfunction, a disfunction, an inequality. Who is to blame, who is at fault?

   If the problem calls for it, I raise my hand, I nominate myself, I send myself to the gallows. I will pay the piper, fulfill what is necessary to take the metaphorical hit. And when it hits, it hits hard. You look at yourself in the mirror. No, you can’t even look at yourself in the mirror. You punch yourself in the mirror. You let your hand bleed and you take it. You become the monster, you embody yang, no matter how much it hurts. It’s all for one just cause however. It’s in order to keep what you want, and it’s one thing I want more than anything. 

   Becoming that being isn’t good enough however. Just taking on a form is nowhere near half the battle. You must then fight. When it calls for it, you have to swing for the fences, go for the heart, shoot to kill the negative. When you topple off a mountain, you have to run back up or the rarity will be lost forever. However, when you take so many hits, it hurts to get up each time. You lose the desire with each subsequent drive. You reach the bottom. You get hit and are forced far further south than you ever imagined.

   It’s at this point that you have to pull the trigger, inject the steroid that allows you to push towards the ultimate goal. When day becomes night you have to realize there is always a tomorrow, or else you will just allow yourself to die. I can not die. Not yet. I refuse. I need to take everything, even if it means fighting a losing battle. I’m emotionally empty and emotionally charged all at the same time. Matter and Anti-Matter. If I let the two sides get too close I’ll reach oblivion. 

10. Notes: 4 / 2 years ago 

    Roughly 120 Days

    Roughly 120 days am I right? A small percentage when thinking about the innumerous hours spent hanging out, having adventures, filming, wasting time, and all else done in the past how many something years. We’ve gone long passed the 1000th day, and with the transfer coming fairly soon, I am fairly certain that I should make these last 120 days count in one way or another.

    You know, UCR is not far away in the least, but that doesn’t take away from it’s magnitude in my mind. With my habits and personality, an hour and a half turns in to a world away. I check my facebook but I don’t keep up. I lose contact and don’t look back, only for a few moments, rare moments at that. I have had a consistency of forgetfulness for years now. I really don’t think this is going to be any different.

    For the first couple of months, I really want to ground myself there. I don’t want to move, let for the various trips to LA I will want to undergo. But home, no, home I wish to forget for a little while. This has been a long time coming, and it’s a necessity to break away from the constant day to day life of San Diego. I have been accepting that more and more lately. It’s just the natural rounds of moving away.

    The friends I have now, well I will not only see them for a significantly less amount of time, but I will probably talk to them far less than I am used to now. They’ll still be my friends, no doubt about that, but there will be a difference for a while. Am I afraid that they will be alien when I return or even when we speak? Doubtful. That’s not who we are, we shall never be that way. I’ve gone what feels like months before without hanging out with them and I always come back to a slightly different background but a fairly constant atmosphere.

    We get older and older, our minds become more cemented as we go on, which is why I don’t fear change. But I do value time, the time that is left. Because this is innevibility. I’m no longer going to be able to say, “Hey let’s hang out at (Insert Name Here)’s house and play (Insert Game Here).” And forget about talking for hours in a car debating what to do or about the latest manga. Gone are the nights with them on weekends where we stay up until 5 AM trying to beat this or waste on that. I will admit that these times get tedious and stagnant after a while, but when they go away you can’t help but feel like you want to do it again. 

    But not now. No, I don’t want simplicity and normality in the next 120 days. I want glimpses of it and special days of it, but I want something more. Just here, just now. I want to exhaust all remaining fuel in the tank so I don’t feel like I left anything here that I had to do. That’s how I feel right now. That’s what I want. The next step is taking action. 

    Truly the difficult part. 

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